Sunday, July 3, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts

This isn't exactly the most premeditated thought. Just something that has been swimming around in my head incessantly lately.
I've been learning a lot about myself lately. As I've mentioned before, I am making a large amount of change in the habitual sand dunes of my life. I'm moving things around, trying things out, taking away, making more, and it's really hitting me hard now. The effects of my thoughts, actions, abilities are making quite an impact on my demeanor, my moods, the situations and challenges within my life.

Something huge that I've been chewing on is the concept of normal. What is normal? The general consensus is usually what would be "the norm", no? I've now been able to develop a list of things about me/my life that wouldn't be thought of as so normal. One of the biggest ones that may have even become a bit of a challenge for me is being open.
I feel as if I'm in this tug of war with these two opposing sides of me. One side says, reserve, withdraw, be grounded at all times. Say little but mean what you say. It causes me to be a bit of an introvert and quite shy. I don't join in on banter or jokes because I don't want to say something that's not funny enough or that I haven't fully thought through.
The other side of me says be open. Say exactly how you feel at all times even if it's not the most thought out and thorough thing to say. My problem with being spontaneous to such a degree is that I often scare people off. Apparently it's not normal to be as open as I am in certain situations. That people tend to be quite guarded with how they feel and here I am saying exactly what's going on in my head at sometimes not very appropriate times. I can be a little overbearing apparently.
I have no experimented with both a bit and I can honestly say it is quite hard to find a balance of the two. It also mixes in with what you think about other peoples opinions of you. If you care what people think, you should probably be quiet. If you don't, say what you want.

What do I want?

I want balance. I want the ability to intuitively do what needs to be done in the moment but when that moment is done, let it go. I seem to go over and over things after the fact. Picking it apart and breaking it down and regretting or wishing I would have done this or that better.

I want to be myself. But who am I?

Something that ties into all this is letting go. Knowing that I don't have control over everything in life and that I need to allow things to be as they are. I am already typically considered to be laid back but there are points in my personality where I feel this incessant need to think about things. And no creatively with different perspectives, just repetitively. Which I guess brings me into self awareness. The ability to be aware of my thoughts and actions has been growing and I really enjoy it. Of course it means I need to work harder and laziness becomes more and more unacceptable but I do enjoy being so able to see clearer.

I guess my lesson from this drawn out thought process is that I am only human and I need to be able to accept whatever I do. Even though my shyness has turned into being scary open (despite my best intentions) I just need to release the need to be a projection of what I think I should be and just be myself in the moment.

Ohh thoughts from the red head of Meri.

1 comment:

  1. I can definitely relate to this. I've often struggled with this exact same thing... I find myself either introverted, not participating in social banter for a lot of the same reasons. Fear that what I have to offer may not be regarded as relevant or appropriate, or even funny as I tend to have a different sense of humour than the "normal" person. But like you also alluded to, it often pushes you to be completely open and honest when you do interact, which can be off-putting for some people as well.

    Lately i've been trying to break out of my shell and just not care what people think and do whatever I feel. Even striking up conversations with complete strangers is something I wouldn't normally do, but have been forcing myself to do lately. Sometimes it leaves me in an awkward situation but that's part of growing and learning and the more I do it the more I find i'm getting comfortable with myself and who I am and not being so shy.