As I amble along my journey in life, I start to look back in glances at my previous mindsets and levels of self awareness. Which, in all honesty, I think is quite healthy! It helps to provide me with a sense of growth and pride for how far I've made it. I've made it as far as I have and that's all I can do. I don't have a set goal of happiness. Just continual joy and freedom.
Neither here, nor there!
I would like to think that, as a kid, I had quite a free mind. Sure, I grew up in a bit of a tight religious conformity type circle but it helped me to gain morals and an ability to create community around me. Alas, fancy free, was I. Priding myself on the caked masses of dirt between my toes and under my nails, the scars on my legs and arms, the sun burns I got from hours a day of running around in raspberry fields and making very little money. (due to lack of work and horrid pay) There was always an underlying weight of maturity that had been thrown upon me but I was capable of still being a true child. Those days were bliss.
I don't feel there was really one specific age that turned me to a teenager, filled with angst and rebellion. It just slowly started to happen. But the point of this post is less to do about my mental and emotional state and more to do with my style and comfort. I feel like as a teenager, everything is in a haze. (For most, there are a lucky fashion forward few that keep their shit together.) I remember walking into my church, a few times, with one of my favorite outfits. Black slip on shoes (I was much too tall for heals, and still now), rainbow knee high socks, black knee length skirt with lace separating the panels of fabric to show the slightest bit of skin, and a massive black hoodie. Accompanied by whatever colour hair my friend and I had decided to do that week and a faux hawk of some sort. Or a pixie cut.
Not my best time period.
I would like to think that I've grown. And not only have I expanded in maturity on a general basis but maturity in the amount of comfort I have in my personal style. Back then I was making a statement. I was proving to the world that I was not the people around me and I shouldn't be seen as such. Now, I dress the way I do because I like the way I dress. I find materials that make me happy, colours that suit my moods and movements. I guess in a way, I'm still making a statement, just now it's a whole lot softer. Maybe even filled with more kindness. Towards myself, towards my surroundings, towards life in general.
I love fashion but merely because I love expression. The human mind can take art and the perspective of self and manipulate it into so many different categories and shapes. With how complex we are, how creative we can be and how beautiful life is, what's not to like? Overall, I'm just incredibly happy that I've found a groove, a channel to allow my expression to flow through. I was paid a great compliment the other day. Someone was telling me how there is such diversity in my personality and ability to express. As a "young adult", I hated that. I wanted to find my niche. I wanted to be good at one thing and live it out to the best of my ability. I wanted to dress one way and be that to the fullest extent.
Most people call me a hippie, a category I'm happy to sport. Honestly, I'm just happy to be me.
Thankful love goes to my wonderful photographer, Lowely. Making pictures look nice even when the idea is sprung upon her.