Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Hunker Down

I have been viewing some lovely scenes of city life in the last couple days. I love looking over a city and focusing on every little light in every building on every street. It is often too much for my mind to contain all at once and I find myself drifting into other random thoughts but the contrast between the peace that I feel from having this higher physical vantage point in comparison to the bustling business of city life brings me an ease. One of the random thoughts I was having was about the scene in Amelie when she's looking over her city.
 "Time hasn't changed anything. Amélie still shelters in solitude and asks herself silly questions about the
 world or about this town.  For example, how many couples are having an orgasm right now?
-Fifteen ." 
We have as many choices as we can fathom. We are capable of anything. Which leads me to ask:

What is commitment?


[kuh-mit] Show IPA verb, -mit·ted, -mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1. to give in trust or charge; consign.
2. to consign for preservation: to commit ideas to writing; to commit a poem to memory.
3. to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.): Asked if he was a candidate, he refused to commit himself.
4. to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge: to commit oneself to a promise; to be committed to a course of action.
5. to entrust, especially for safekeeping

Some words that pop out to me are: trust, pledge, and bind.

Are we as humans capable of doing such things? I choose to believe that everything should be considered an option. Nothing is impossible. Our minds give us limits due to the inability to understand or comprehend. We know very little. So how are we able to have such a confidence in something to the point of being able to trust or commit? It's almost as if we're saying, "I will control my future to the smallest degree" which I see as being impossible. Chance happens. Time happens. Who's to say something won't rewire the mind and change the perspective? If all we are is circuits firing off electrons to receptors, how can we say that nothing will change our opinions?

Is there such a thing as real commitment? Real trust? Can we actually bind ourselves to one thing? One mind frame, one way of life, one ideal?

Maybe that is why marraige is such a sacred thing. It's romantic, foolish, hopeful, created by faith and ignorance. It is thrusting yourself into a singular path and assuming that it will last. Working for a common goal, sure. But no two minds are exactly the same. People will have differing ideas no matter what the end goal is. How are we to jump off that ledge and hope for happiness?

A subject that needs to be discussed with one of more wisdom.


Friday, December 2, 2011

It's All Good

What if you're already doing everything right, even though you're not sure?
And the surprises along the way have only sped you up, even though it feels like they slowed you down?
And all you want is now barreling towards you even though you can't see it?
And when it arrives, it will exceed your expectation, even though your dreams were huge?
A little email I got this morning spoke this to my tired eyeballs. It triggered a pretty massive switch in my head. For from then on, I had quite the eventful day. Went for breakfast with Lady Love at an amazing place in town, now have some fantastic leftovers, and talked the morning away of good times that are past, fun times of the future and just how small we really are. Almost as if our lives collided again and we were just overflowing with mind clutter that needed releasing. It's good to have friends who really accept you and yet are capable of keeping you accountable and calling you out on your bullshit and imbalance. We even busted out in a couple yoga flows! I guess it's almost expected when instructors get together. Typical.
It's nice to have days like these where you realize how small life is and how lovely it can be when you let it. When you see how little our problems are and trust that everything is nothing, it all gets a little easier to handle. Sure, it could be considered "unrealistic" but this is an often very depressing world we live in. So much can change from the littlest of things. All you need is a quick switch of thought and Bob's your Uncle, you're happy! Or at least a bit better.

The only thing that is stopping you, is you.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

What Do You Got?

In need of some good toons? Lucky for you, this post is riddled with warm cabin beats. Ready to thaw your winter heart and fill your chest with sugar and spice. You've already got "everything nice".

At a little wooden cabin
Up in northern Minnesota
We ran together down to the dock
And you jumped right off it
And from out in the water
You called me to join you
And I said, "Baby, I cannot swim If I jump, I'll surely drown you"
You said, "Life has no limit If you're not afraid to get in it"
And oh, baby, I jumped to you
Since then there's nothing I can't do

I'm never gonna give you up
What do you got if you ain't got love?
If you ain't got love
What do you got if you ain't got love?

Someday, someday soon
You and I will both be gone
And lately, I can't help but think
That the love we feel will live on

I find this in myself and see it constantly in people in general. We tend to retreat from "the light", if you will. One of my goals in life is to understand why. Why does holding back, being withdrawn and sad seem so tempting? Why do we continue to choose to wallow in our sorrow rather than choose to let go of what is wrong in our lives?

I find it slightly entertaining when people fully admit how unaware of self they are and have no interest in knowing anything under the surface thoughts of their mind. What is luring about self destruction? Why not explore and change? Why not "play God" and manipulate the inner workings of the thought process? The walls we put up to ourselves and the people around us are actually quite easy to demolish and yet we choose to reinforce them over and over.

I'm not perfect. There are multitudes of walls that I've stableized in my life. It's hard to catch when you've built one at the best of times. But I figure if I change one thought at a time, it will eventually bring me to a place where I realize I've taken leaps in a great direction. If you keep putting one penny in the jar from time to time, eventually you'll have a heavy jar full of riches.

It's the little choices that count. The smaller moments of enjoying the lack of categorizing and predicting what's next. It's the times when you look out a window and enjoy the view. The times of standing back and looking at a completed job well done and admiring your handy work. It's the moment's of "what was I doing again?" and that space between asking that question and finding the answer. It's the moment of pent up frustration starting to boil over and strangely enough, there's a feeling of needing to be comforted and you take on the responsibility yourself and take a massive breath, letting out all the angst and dirt. It's that moment of carrying onwards. Smiling, no matter what.

Someday, someday soon
You and I will both be gone
And lately, I can't help but think
That the love we feel will live on


Monday, November 28, 2011

Feel Good 'Bout What You're Dreaming Of

Ever catch someone's eye and notice that they're smiling? For the most part, if and when it happens to me, I usually can't help but smile back. Or at least bashfully look away. People love people. We all love human connection and crave it. We want to be social and happy. Which brings me to my point.

My world view has been renewed and refreshed into a heart throb of sunshine and kitten kisses.
Don't you worry. I plan on recycling it all right back.

Sometimes when life is going a little slow, things are getting a bit rough, the grit of the real world sets in a little and you feel that impending string of bad choices crouching in behind you as you watch the ideal balanced mindset to slip slightly.
I've had a couple conversations in the last couple days about when these types of things happen to people and the reactions that they allow themselves to have.

There is truth in the cliche's that we use so often. "Life is what you make it" Being a big one.

The reaction people choose to have to the situations around them are what count. They are what makes up a personality, an attitude, a feeling.

Life, the universe, God, Buddha, Gandolf, or whomever suits your fancy, decided to put things in place to bring a huge gift of happiness and future possibility into my life today. My ability to express my thankfulness and gratitude is not adequate. I will say that the person that set it up and made it happen is a dear friend of mine. A mentor, if you will. A person of great wisdom and logic. Few people have the ability to shine quite as effeciently and deeply as this one does.

Though I've done this before, I'd like to put out there how much I appreciate the people in my life. Because of this and the overwhelming goodness that I see so frequently in my friends, I will make this act of kindness contagious and spread it as far and deeply as I can.

Love you long time,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Mind Rewrite

It is a challenge. A challenge, I tell you. Sure, knowing that the sun is behind the overcast umbrella above you is obvious. But knowing that the same energy, the same ball of fire, the "prana", the life force, be all and end all, is within you isn't easy.
I'll tell you what is easy. Swimming in thought. Allowing everything to muddle up in the mind and well over like the tantrum tears of a three year old. Swallowing that thought, that mindset of "I am my thoughts" and seeing that nugget of chocolatey goodness beyond, somehow proves to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done.
As the lovely Lauryn Hill says
"These buildings could drift out to sea
Some natural catastrophe
Still there's no place I'd rather be
Cos nothin' even matters to me"
Why do we allow thoughts to have such control? What is so great about over analyzing everything to the nth degree?

I had a lovely conversation with a new friend the other day. A young thing of simplistic wisdom. They were talking about how short of time we have on this earth. How we have so many options and only a pinch of ability to utilize them all. And yet we choose to numb, distort, distract and divert from the essence of living. From things that are a part of our essential nature. We stray from love for the sake of fear. We push happiness to the side for the growth of greed. We put ourselves in situations of blaming others for things that we can so easily take responsibility for.

My question is, "why?" If you have hung out with me for more than an hour, you'll know I ask that question a lot. I'm learning to be more specific so I ask, why distract from goodness?
What are your distortions? What do you use as a crutch for your choices? Who do you blame for your emotional states?
Everyone does it, so why not dig a little deeper?


I know the pictures have very little to do with the words but I found them to be interesting visuals, for what it's worth.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Where It Comes From

So there is a lot going on in this brain of fluff. I'm not only reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle but The 5th Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz which was given to me by a lovely lady I know from the coffee shop I used to work at and go to regularly. She saw the Power of Now on the table beside me and asked me if I'd read the 5th Agreement. Then insisted on buying it for me. Karmic acts like that really make me satisfied.
Anyway, these are the visuals that are setting of sparks in my head. I've been painting quite a bit and due to a good friend, if not a Mentor of mine, saying that I have to have 2 finished paintings to show by Monday. It's nice to have a bit of structure with painting other than the flexible goals that I put in myself. When I finish them I'll post some pictures. Hopefully I'll put them up before the end of January.In the meantime, here are some creative inspirations that are pushing me forwards.

Doodles of the Creative

Lumps of Art Gold

Words to Love By (Personal friend and favorite)

Inventing Craftiness

Mag That Brings Out the Best

The only real photo opportunity I've experienced is at the pool with The Boys I babysit from time to time. That was interesting. Being a lady of my early 20's with two boys of the ages of 6 and 8. I must have looked like I was doing pretty good for a Mother in my 30's. I admittedly got some strange looks while wrestling around with them.

I have also been getting back into Fiona Apple as of recently. I had forgotten how much I relate to her moodiness and how well her voice falls on my ears.
Her top song in my opinion.
I hope to some day have an ability that merely shadows hers. Her talent in composition and lyricism is impeccable.

I wish I could post some awesome photos on here but I really haven't been doing much picture taking. At some point, I'd like to buy a couple more rolls of film and fill up the Pentax I've got sitting on my shelf. It's just calling my name and now I've missed the most gorgeous time of year! Oh well, there's always beauty to capture.
I SHOULD have taken more Halloween pictures but apparently my head is elsewhere. I have some on my little point and shoot but they're not exactly quality.
All I have to show for my creative adventures as of late is the coil notebook that I stuck with clippings from the blue canvas mag I have (link posted above) which I think turned out quite well. I need to make a bit harder of a backing for it because the glue has curled the cardboard, but it gives it a bit of character.
I'm using the notebook to write out songs and doodles. It's quite nice to have the ability to express so freely now. I feel almost as if there has been a blockage that has been broken and now I'm flowing freely.
Now to get back on the yoga train. Dear oh dear.

I'm sure at some point I will be posting my opinion of how the books are affecting my life. Until then;

Ta for now,


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Picture this - My Visual Life .2

Other than a wee trip to the mountains for a night, I haven't been doing much with my time but I figured I would post some pictures, if not to encourage myself to document and be more adventurous.
So as slight as it may be, this is what mine eyes hath seen:

Went for lunch at the best little restaurant in town with Lady Love whom I get to spend more time with now that she's free of schooling for a while. Good food, good conversation, good times.

Lady Love with her gorgeous luscious eyes enjoying an eggplant po'boy. Ain't she a doll?

This seems to be the activities of the majority of my nights as of lately. The cat seems to enjoy it.

My Man and I in the shadow of the mountains and the light of the morning sun. He somehow convinced me we were just going to Calgary to dick around in the mall for a day trip. How I didn't catch on, I have no idea.

Some wildlife we saw on the way. There was also a Semi V.S. Moose fight in front of us on the road there. Sure, it would've broken my heart, but you don't get to see that kind of thing every day.

The hotel we stayed at had an assortment of wildlife growing from the walls. We were reminded a few times of how "Beauty and the Beast" it was. We even had the pleasure of hearing singing in the streets!

Its funny, I was sick for a bit and couldn't go to any classes in that time. I also figured that not meditating would be a good idea as well and have been slacking with that for the past while. As much as I would love to say that it was a bad idea, I'm kind of thanking myself for taking that break. Granted, it's hard to get back into it but it's nice to see how drastically those two things change your life.

As shown above, I've been given the book "The Power of Now" By Eckhart Tolle. I've read it once before a couple years back and it changed my life then so I am hoping for it to evoke some more radical movements in my life this time around as well. I plan on referencing it from time to time and maybe even working through some of my thoughts about it on here. Hopefully it causes some shifts in thoughts.

Until then, I leave with the quote:

"Watch the thinker, you are not your thoughts"


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Catch the Bullet

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

And dreams of

It's good to get away for a bit. But it's even better to make the choices that are needed in your life to be happy on a consistent basis.

I need to make changes. I need to shed a lot of fears and press forwards with life.

Now is as good of a time as any.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Come and Go

Stand-by for the kaleidascope skies.
Reflecting in her radical eyes.
Boy tries what the girl denies,
After a rainstorm,
A rainbows the prize.

The appeture in my lense is focusing. My depth of field is shifting. The view I once had has now blurred and another, different, daunting and refreshing outlook is appearing before me. Currently, I am too overwhelmed to put enjoyment into this change. All I seem to be looking for is comfort. And yet, I still strive to find the focal points in this new landscape. I push further for more and more change while being held down by the coat tails by the weight of stability.

Is it better to flourish and stumble forwards in expansion and quest for bigger, wider, deeper knowledge? Or is it better to dampen the expansion only slightly, maybe just in a different way, to stablize and root oneself? I know my life will affect and impact the world around me no matter what I choose. I know my life will leave a story. As to what story, I am befuddled. Legitimately feeling torn is the worst and best feeling. I know the choice I make will be the "better" one no matter what. But to actually make a choice is daunting.

If you haven't already guessed, or have even spent all of 5 minutes with me, you'll know I don't decide well. I love being the leaf on the water, going whichever way the wind takes and allowing for others to decide my circumstances. It get's me into trouble occasionally. It tends to take away from my life force from time to time. There is a delicate balance between standing within yourself and allowing life to happen. I stand, teetering, wavering in the breeze, in that balance quite often. It's an odd place to hold your life, I know.

I have been catching my thoughts lately. The ones that have been standing out are the ones where I am dreaming of packing up everything I own, tying off loose ends and hitchhiking to California. Or driving up north and living in a cabin for the winter in solace.

Looping back to my first subject; Fantasy or reality? Stability or freedom? As much as I would genuinely like to send that question out for other people to answer, I know the answer needs to come from me. I need to look to myself, and ask honestly.

Much work to be done..


"And your voice still echos in the hallways of this house"

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Be the Bird, Be the Key

Inspiration. Product to come. For now:

Little bird have you got a key?
Unlock the lock inside of me
Where will you go?
Keep yourself afloat
Feeling old until the wings unfolded
Caught me a long wind
Where will we go?
Keep ourselves afloat

I caught a long wind
A long life wind
I got to know the sky
But it didn’t know me
Got to see the light
And land on top of the sea
And be the bird, be the key
And now the current tells
What the wave withheld
And then the lightning say
Oh where light will lay
Where will you go?
Keep yourself afloat

I caught a long wind
A long life wind
Like a swallow
A night owl
A little chickadee
Sad sparrow
Good morning bird
Good nightingale
I took a deep breath
And caught a long wind

Her cutting clear blue eyes peered out her bedroom window, fingers tight, gripping the sill, toes just touching the vibrant pink shag carpet waiting beneath to catch the souls of her little feet. The screen pressed against her cheek as she craned her head to the left. A slight breeze energizes her blonde hair around her shoulders and face and forces a scrunching of her nose to happen so as not to use the hands so willfully keeping her hung from this white wooden frame to the outside world.
Only mere metal and glass keep her from the height of a great cherry tree in front of her. The chickadees dance around the soft pink blossoms that return the bird movement in their own subtle dance from the moist air gliding by. They give off a fragrance that sticks to the inside of the top of her nose. It's high tones open her airways but still are solid in their depth and bring this little scoundrel to a place of calm. She allows her eyes to take in all the sights in front of her now. The birds have become boring and the land below looks as if colour is oozing up from the center of the earth. The tones are strong and vibrant. The dew soaked ground is aching for sun from the afternoon rays. Those naive blue eyes graze over the yard that she knows as her kingdom. All the paths she has laid out, the half finished house she built and holds resentment for, the forest area she calls home, and this cherry tree brimming with what look like overweight black and white mice with wings and beaks. They flutter in front of her, flaunting their freedom in the brilliant and gentle colour of the flowers that bring her peace in her childlike thoughts of wondering.
Little did she know the crisp blue of her iris would slowly fold, in time, into a ring of dark grey, stark in its contrast, to a deep but soft blue that gives way to flecks of prairie gold and earth green.

I caught a long wind
A long life wind
Like a swallow
A night owl
A little chickadee
Sad sparrow
Good morning bird
Good nightingale
I took a deep breath
And caught a long wind


Sunday, October 9, 2011

Listing the Wonderful

Fall is here.

(Now complete with a full playlist of fall listening to guide you through these words from my brain. Click away.)

Change is inevitable. As much as I enjoyed this summer, I am starting to look forward to the slowing of gears that winter brings. I plan on doing a lot of renovating in this head of mine this year. Makes me quite excited to see where I'll be and more so, who I will be once the leaves bud and flowers grow.

Even though I know you should be thankful all the time, I can see why the Thanksgiving holiday is put just before Mother Nature becomes a ruthless bitch. Well, at least she is here in the Frigid North.

But I digress.

It can be hard to see the good that is in front of us sometimes. We have our noses so close to the book, eyes peeled on the magnifying glass to the point of only focusing on the ink of the letters that make up the big picture. With going along that theme, I shall list things of slight and things of importance to me that I am humbled by their greatness.
(Not in any particular order)

A support group of fantastic humans who have flaws and grime that aren't perfect. They mess up, they do dumb things, they fall down repeatedly. But even when they are down and full of the scum that life spits in your face, they manage to not only pull through eventually but support and love me and all the other people in their lives. I have an impeccable safety net of people who mean the world to me and I know will stay in my life path for a long, long time.

Music. Buying some speakers was one of the best purchases I've ever made. I can't live without the beautiful sound of distorted pitch through airwaves that reach my brain and register as bliss. I hold on to the happiness that sound gives me with all of my soul. My thankfulness towards music is never ending and overflowing.

Expression. Specifically through painting and photography. Documentation could be categorized in here as well. My many means of expression are a huge part of what keeps me sane and still slightly crazy. It is the bane of my existence and yet the joy of my life. Blogging, journaling, photography, painting, fashion, exploration of self in general. To be human is to be pulled in many directions and find balance between them all. I will never achieve true balance but I'm content with that. I love the journey too much to stop.

Yoga. Obviously. I have a new relationship with my physicality because of it and I wouldn't change it for the world. It has helped me find things about myself that I enjoy and take pride in. It brings me peace and silence in the midst of my chaotic mind. There is no other career path I'd rather take. I am proud to be a student of yoga and thus, a student of life.

I hope that this might inspire. To sit down and write out things that are solid forms of happiness in life is so important. Who knows, maybe doing the same next year will allow you to see how much you have grown.

Holiday homework: Sit still. Breathe deeply. Document the quality of life. Give thanks.


Monday, October 3, 2011

A Man of Wise Words

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Wisdom verses safety. Protection and comfort, or vulnerability and depth?
To not choose is to choose.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Before the Frost

It's funny how doing something as simple as moving your room around can change your entire life.

But before delving into such endeavors, indulge in heavy quality melodies.

<3 Happiness

<3 A black speckled sky

<3 A slow motion outdoors amphitheater concert dance party in the rain

If you haven't guessed, I moved my room around, cleaned it, organized it, put everything where everything needed putting. The Roommate and I are dealing with a bit of an electrical crisis at the moment so I had to make sure I moved everything around all the cords that I have everywhere due to my outlets not having power. It's a bit tedious. Or was at least! I concurred it all by myself. Which included moving a big corner unit desk, my bed, putting a shelf on top of a set of drawers that are at least 4.5 feet long. I'm obviously quite proud of myself but I feel like it was a very independent act.

And NOW, well now my head is clear and my thoughts are fine tuned, focused and observant. My head is in the right place for once. Re-arraigning my room was probably the best thing I could have done for my mode of thinking. And doesn't life essentially come down to the personal thought? We are all thinking purely about ourselves all the time which, somehow, we are capable of making a conscious thought rather than empty numbing thoughts. If everyone found something comparable to moving their room around that would clear their mind so efficiently, we would have a really genuine world despite the levels of compacted negativity. Personally and generally.

This is also coupled with the fact that I did another bikram class last night. And again tonight, and Saturday.. so I bought a week pass. Not sure how I'm going to be able to keep myself so healthy due to it having so much consequence otherwise. I'm really not a fan of passing out and throwing up in a class so I'm hydrating like mad and eating super duper healthy. I think I did pretty well last night. I was also pressured into going front and center by My Man so I felt a bit of pressure to do kinda well. Didn't help my competitive side to have a role call type thing for the new people to bikram so the thought of "They'll all think I've never done yoga before... heh heh heh." was lingering through my head once or twice.

I wonder what my thought process will be with all this fall detoxing going on. I'm hoping for a theme of positivity and awareness? Haha if all goes well... Good luck to everyone around me for the next week, you're the one that's going to need it if I get sore enough.

Sunshine and rainbows,


Sunday, September 25, 2011

Simple Chaos

A certain bear once sang of the simplicities of life. A certain boy, dancing behind that bear where ever he went, believed him, wholeheartedly.
Now, ask any artist, any musician, any person with passion and venom, what they give in their efforts. What do they show for themselves. Complexity. Dynamic. Diversity.

What I want to express today is the brilliance and the depth of the gradient in between the two.

Starting with the muddled. Life gets so out of control, so wild and impulsive, so structured and tight. It whirls around you in circles, be them rigidly in perfectly accurate lines or splaying in every direction with chaotic momentum and zest. There is confusion and perception always in the way of clear thought. Mountains upon mountains of layered compacted habitual behavior that sometimes never get touched, never mind dealt with. Our minds work endlessly hard to build these walls to protect and stave off the negative. But what we sometimes don't realize is that these walls are just good at keeping the hurt out as they are at keeping it tucked in.

On the other side of the map there is simplicity. Some people have too much of it. They can't grasp the concept of diversity and depth. They allow certain things to be the only thing they see and close down to any other method of behavior or thought process. Some people reject it and push it down in favor of drama and chaos. Some people take advantage of the simplicity that external objects grant them. Be it food, coffee, alcohol, heroin, or a sharp blade. Everything has the potential for abuse and overuse in the path to simple thought. People have these over active, undirected minds that stray off to unhealthy things just to experience it and have it encapsulate them.

There is a third option.
I believe that our divinity, our wisdom and ability comes from being able to step back and take everything in while having the capability to narrow our focus to the smallest part of ourselves and bring a thorough self awareness to our lives. That gradient between the big picture and the smallest click is our gift. Our ability to see the beauty and vibrancy in life is what makes us human. We have access to death and chaos while still being fully able to provide health and love.

How I see it (my own personal opinion.. not that any of these words aren't just my perception), the first step is breath. I know I'm a yoga teacher and it's the obvious choice but there are very few people that I know that appreciate the importance of air entering your lungs. It gives us the control over our bodies and minds that we need to be able to do the work of stepping back and easing forwards. It gives us the motivation and easement to be able to balance the ebb and flow of life. To be able to breathe fully and sit in stillness is the best anchor and growth someone can do for themselves. To be able to see that we live and die alone and if we know ourselves to the greatest capability, we can love and share with others so much more fruitfully.

Moral of the story. Appreciate life and everything it holds for you. Allow yourself to love and be loved. Give the world your best even if it's not returned to you immediately and appreciate the little bursts of sparkly brilliance that come your way. Notice them. Accept them. Open yourself to the possibility of life being a wonderful journey that we can only do our utmost with. Paddling against the river does nothing but tire out your weary arms and mind. Don't bother wasting your time and energy on past bullshit that serves you no purpose. Learn from your lessons, take in the wisdom and maturity time has to offer and stride onwards towards acceptance, happiness, love and gratitude. Be playful.

Why not?


Monday, September 19, 2011

This Too

Lady Love once gave a description of life to me. She said something along the lines of "I feel like my life is a bouncy ball and some kid is whipping it at the floor."
Depressing, maybe. Accurate? Definitely. It makes it worse that the picture of innocence and naiveity is what is causing the outbursts of kinetic energy.
My question is, why do we as humans, put our noses so close to the paper? Why do we have to make everything magnified to the point of catastrophic disaster over what is really, quite small matters of thought process?
Passion helps settle these thoughts. Passion for art, for yoga, music, love, friends, fulfillment.

Curiosity for life brings new light to bleak situations.

I was told recently that I take things too seriously. Quite a true statement in this context. There are certain moments where I over analyze the smallest of situation and it takes off from there. There are so many sayings that are applicable to this type of situation.
"This too shall pass" Is one that comes to mind. To keep in mind the inevitability of time is so important. The good, the bad, the emotional, the silly, the blissful, will all be gone. What do we choose to hold on to?

I read a story in a fantastic book about how there is this camp that help young people with intense feelings of loss and trauma. One of the excersizes is getting the kids to write their secrets on rocks and carry them around with them on a hike. At the end of the hike, they empty their pockets of their secrets and toss them into the creek. The person telling the story said how they were amazed at how emotional some of them got from physically letting go of their burdens . And yet, how some of them chose to keep these secrets with them. Taking them to bed that night and home on the bus the next day. Almost like if they let go of it, they would be letting go of themselves.

Now I know there is a lot of psychological words and names that could explain that but from the way I see it, people don't want to let go of what they see as events or times that make them who they are. If they let it go, there is an openness to them that is massive and unknown. There is a chance for them to become different and unstuck. For some reason, the human brain likes to lean towards being more like a brick wall than an open window. It can be so hard for us to let go of categories and mental lines that we draw for ourselves and allow people, society and life to draw for us.

The worst part about it all is that it takes work to become open. It takes effort to change. But it also takes effort to stay the same. So at least I know that the work is already there, it just needs to be displaced. Even just in little actions. Putting influential statements up on the wall where eyes can view it, making little positive choices in things like eating well or getting up when needed. The small things that form together is what makes life easier to do.

It will all be the same in the end, so why not make what we have worth it right now?


Post Secret. The best way to feel human.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

It Takes A Muscle To Fall In Love

Quench your melody thirst first.

I've been beginning to see how much exersize we need every day to be healthy. And this isn't just physical activity, which is incredibly important, but mind and spirit and emotion and rights. We need to constantly find space in our minds to be able to be conscious all the time. It's not easy. To be able to make sure you're following your passions and still maintaining your temporary happiness to a point. Still rolling with the punches but finding meaning in little things that give you a happiness that seeps through any walls you put up. All the while being aware of the walls you are putting up and why they're protecting you and from what? Yet, there is still this balance that needs to be achieved between social media/social gatherings and filtered thought/solo time.
Or maybe this is just my head and how my thought process goes. While the person next to me is totally opposite or maybe just of by a couple thoughts. We are so different, and yet inseparable.
I try and make sure I'm setting myself little goals. Little gold stars throughout life. I've actually got a pair of sunglasses that I trade back and forth between a friend called "good choice glasses". We only get them when we're on a good choices streak. (Obviously some rad looking sunglasses) The plan is a little flawed due to us not being able to have good streaks at the same time but it's encouraging. Little bursts of happiness like that keep you accountable. Keep me happily moving rather than dragging myself.

I love looking at the thought process of other people. The differences in our minds intrigue me to no end. It's interesting to ask yourself why you're doing what you aren't doing. What are you allowing to soak in? What are you giving yourself room to become? What is acceptable? I refuse to believe in right and wrong, I lean more towards what is deemed acceptable. Whether it's the general acceptance or a lone thought of, "yes".

What do we allow our horizons to look like? What are the "good choices" that we make and what do we categorize as bad? I hope to always be looking for the answers to these questions. I want to have just as little of understanding for the changing times and the reaction of the human against the world and vice versa. I'll just be more comfortable with the empty answers I'm capable of coming to conclusions with. Which is just as happy to me as knowing all. Blissfully looking forward to finding out all my inquiries.

My lines are down, you can't call me,
As I fly around in space odyssey.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Picture This - My Visual Life

The view from a bridge somewhere in this quickly chilling city. I'm not ready for colder weather.

Going to the football match. Lady Love and I stuck around for half the game and then pussied out to go and sit in the warm car. Such sportsmanship. But really, what do you expect?

The game. The view was breathtaking while the sun was setting. I was secretly wishing I was in England watching the world cup. Now that would be an experience.

Lady Love and The Critic pretty much looking typical. They're my favorites.

My quest for a curtain for my new room is quite daunting. I need someone who actually has the ability to make choices to come with me and help narrow it down a little. Fabric is expensive!! And there is way too much of it for me to pick just one.
I'll probably just get bead curtains. Why not?

I would like to do more of these sort of visual photo blogs but I'm not whipping out my camera enough. I'll try harder, I promise.

I've also been painting lately as well so that might be the next blog post. My "mixed media artistry" being displayed. We'll see.

I feel like I need to give some sort of glimpse into what is going on in my whirlwind brain right now so lets try this on for size.

Meri's Self Growth of the Day:
The path to finding yourself takes a lot of courage and ability to accept change. But it also takes a strength in standing your ground. There is a balance between what you know to be true to you and allowing truths to become you. That balance takes awareness and that awareness takes bravery. To be able to have a calm and unbiased outlook on your own life is hard but worth it. If you stay present and true, accept love into your life with every choice you make, and reach towards a higher standard in everything you do, you can't go wrong.

I'm really thankful for the ability to do this blog. I am really just writing these things to myself in a public domain. These are really just parts of my journal that everyone can read and hopefully find some hope and love in them. I've realized that I want to help people with my life. I enjoy doing it in a manor of subliminal joy. I like working positivity secretly into peoples lives and maybe that just means being an example. But I'm also an example of being human and getting overwhelmed with these things that make me human. So hopefully people see that and can feel justified in making mistakes and still strive for making better choices.

Kestrels breed
Looking farther than I can see
Without talked to read
She'll take a shining to me

Beacon, don't fly too high.
Beacon, don't fly too high.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Plant Life

I had the pleasure of going to the farm of a good friend of mine the other day. Lets call him the suiting name of Green Thumb. He has the most marvelous green house and garden I've ever laid eyes on. There is so much produce and foliage in that tented little structure, it's almost overwhelming. (As you can see from the picture) I can't tell you how nice it is to see someone growing all this food for themselves. But yet, not just for themselves either, for every time I go there I am loaded with fresh produce which I later turn into lush, crisp salads and other such delicious foods. He spoils me quite a lot.
Places such as this remind me of a simple fact of life. We are all growing. We are all planting roots wherever we are in life. We leave little seedlings of ourselves in other peoples soil in the effect we have on our surroundings. Our fruit is the product of the germination of ourselves and the acceptance and reception of other people on ourselves. We are always reaching for the light. And when we don't, we wither and weaken. Our prana, our life force starts to shrivel and retreat from anything nourishing around us. This is why it is good to start with the basics of what substances we feed our plant body. What are we absorbing in life to keep us running? Food from gardens grown with love? Or foods from a store grown with quick production in mind? Maybe you don't need to be so specific. What kinds of food are you placing inside your body?

I find a good way of figuring out what is good for you is asking yourself simply that. Is this good for me? Look at the ingredients of whatever you're ingesting and ask yourself, "do I need this sugar to survive?"
There is also the mind aspect of this plant life that we live so well. Who are we allowing to infiltrate our nutritional system? Healthy, steady and well rounded people who accept you and bring you joy in your life? Or tiring, draining and withering people who drain us of our abilities to live brightly? Because of their effect on your life, is the fruit you produce more luscious and vibrant? Are the things you are saying positive and encouraging? Are you a more accepting person because of the people you are in constant contact with?
I truly believe that we are the product of our environment. If we choose to bring people who act as fertlizers into your life, you will grow with more ease and strength. If you see the good in situations, your life will become a more vibrant product of that. Sometimes it is easy to get yourself in a funk of micro thought. Of putting that magnifying glass in front of the situation and focusing in on the smallest of details. It puts everything in a funk and before you know it, you're attracting more along the same vein. Everything in your life starts to relate to this negative state you've allowed to take over you. Just as a plant reaches for the sunlight and follows it throughout the day, so should I. So should we. If we don't reach for the sun, the brightness of life and the sweetness in all situations, what is there for us? What is the point?

Really. What is the point of life, without light? Without sweetness. Without softness. Expansion and rooting. The balance between moving steadily in opposite directions, solidly and extensively.

To be able to take pride in the inner most part of the human core and yet be able to be malleable and have the capability to swell with change and growth is so respectable. The people who achieve this, even for a small amount of time, are happy. Those are the ones I look up to. I can say that honestly, I only know of maybe 3 people that really truly embody this, and I love them for being such an inspiration. But I want to be that person as well. I want to bring this abundance to peoples lives. Sometimes I royally mess things up but in order to become this effulgent person, I need to be able to make room for mistakes and forgive. I need to be able to open myself to the possibility of a vital sparkly life full of love and joy. No one else is going to break the clouds open for you. It is our responsibility to find our own path to brightness.

May your leaves be wide and absorbent, your stalk sturdy and strong and may your roots go deep into the rich and yielding soil you have laid for your life.

That line could easily be from the 1700's.
I'm ok with that.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Despite A Winters Day

Yeasayer Red Cave

I went out past the willow and the well
caught my breath upon the hill
at the edge of the domain

And I went down
and further down
and when I got up,
I'm at the red cave

And with that sound
as if I had been put under a spell
she led me to her abode
despite a winter's day

Meri's house in the hollow of the
white hazel rapid whirlpool
and the church of hurricane

I'm so blessed to
have spent that time
with my family and the friends
I love with my short life I have met
so many people I deeply care for

I'm so blessed to
have spent that time
with my family and the friends
I love with my short life I have met
so many people I deeply care for

The Wee One (my lovely sister) showed me this song. She says it's because of the description of walking to the cave and the connection to the people in this persons life. Then she realized it said Meri's house. Of course it's Mary's house but I'm a dork so I change it. Makes me feel like it's mine.

I feel as if this is actually the perfect song for me. Maybe just for right now but I do have a deep connection with it. I feel like at some point in my life I will go into hiding in a cabin in a forest and live on my own. I can also see myself doing a hibernation for a period of time, becoming a hermit and then having all my friends and family come and meet me, spend a month together living in harmony and then going back to life and society feeling refreshed and brimming with love and compassion for the world.

I want to be able to do what she is doing in the song. Lead people to a place of genuine spirit and connection. I'm glad I have a fighting spirit, I am. But it hurts me. It brings confrontation and a discomfort in people. I try so hard to be true and simple. Why does that scare people so much? Why does an honest question that brings you deeper into yourself make people so frightened of life? I am just as scared. I am just as fearful and timid. But I accept. At least I want to. Sometimes I don't. But I need to keep trying. As much as people keep pressing me and building up walls to my demeanor and even just my image, I need to keep strong.

So do you.

We are all learning in this life. No one knows what is on the other side. If you claim to know, you just know less. The way I see it, the sooner that is accepted, the easier life gets. But who am I to tell anyone?

As soon as you think you know, you have only reached a door to a whole new view. There is so much more than just this. There always will be. Be strong.

I'm so blessed to
have spent that time
with my family and the friends
I love with my short life I have met
so many people I deeply care for.


Extra love for the music joy.
Because I miss the sunshine already and it's not even gone. But alas, "don't be sad because it's over, be happy it happened" - Seuss

Friday, September 2, 2011

Oh The Choices

Indulge your heartstrings and capacity for enlightened thought with a mix of adoration for the rhythm and shaping of sound that the human mind can conjure with this video.
I highly recommend it.

Shake the Dust

In the meantime:
There is something fantastic about choosing contentment in a situation.

Moments of chosen contentment recently:
1. When listening to music. I have gone through stages of being very critical of what I listen to and not being open to very much else. A snobbish behavior to say the least. But I felt like the things that I chose had so much merit and they should be seen as so to everyone. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I started expanding my horizons and allowing my enjoyment to extend to other genres and bands. I remember having the thought (in all it's simplicity), "If I like this music because of the sounds I hear that resonate with me then who's to say that the sounds that other people hear are just sounds that resonate when them? They just hear it differently" From then on out I decided to give every other song, genre, melody, bass line, and beat a chance. I would make the effort to choose to be content with music.

2. There has been quite a lot of things going on for me with my growth in life as of lately. New experiences and situations throw peoples lives out of order and that's along the same lines as my life at the moment. Extreme change saturates my life, even into the smallest of habits. I now challenge my thought process on almost everything. Constantly second guessing my opinions and trying to see new things. Well, in that process, there can be a whole lot of frustration. Because of all this deep change, I have developed a bit of an emotional numb to protect myself. I have been waiting for this numb to crack and for a big spill of emotion to come but I didn't know when it would hit me. Well it did the other day. I had a clear visual of a big biblical goblet/jeweled cup overflowing with dark red wine. I could feel myself bubbling over and knew it wasn't going to be pretty with people around. So I took a step back and told myself "everything is a choice. I will be able to feel this emotion soon, just choose contentment for now" And I did. It was good to know that in the biggest time of stress I've felt in a very long time and I was capable of keeping it together until I could feel it fully and get over it in a healthy way. But it took consciously thinking and even saying it out loud to myself for me to really listen and follow through.

3. Choosing contentment in acceptance. Essentially I guess they could be the same thing. You need to be content to accept and accepting to be content. So lets say contentance. Acceptment? Contentance.
So to have contentance in a situation, you need to have acceptment.
Either way, it is a choice. Situational, emotional, spiritual, verbal, mental, absolutely everything. I love the amount of choices we have in life. I love that sometimes it feels like you only have 50% options for your life. There are other things in life that need to be taken care of and you are held accountable by people and society. But who's to say any one of us can't snap and go crazy? Who's to say we aren't already all crazy, we just aren't open enough to be able to see it.
So if there is nothing actually physically holding you back from buggering off to some unknown villa in Europe or some deep part of the rainforest, why would we not at least choose to be accepting.

Now there is a difference between being content and rolling over and letting everything trample you. There is a strength to the core of the human being and if that strength is played up and always exercised just as your muscles are, you become a grounded person. You are solid in the choices you make and are yet still willing and open to hear peoples viewpoints and accept changes in your life. But still be able to fight for who you want to be.
The contentment I'm talking of is knowing what is out of your control and what you can change. When a situation is going crazy, all you can do is choose your reaction to such happenings. We can allow for that happiness and love to come though in all of our choices. Sometimes we just let go of that understanding to coddle ourselves, our egos.
All I'm saying, really, is that humans are capable of happiness. Bliss, if you will. And there is nothing stopping us from obtaining it, but ourselves.

"Challenge accepted."


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Grass Is Always Greener.. If You Get Paid.

I know that this is a crazy idea. I know that this will never be something that could actually be possible for the layers of habitual behavior that have been built up to make up the social code and system we have in place as humans. BUT. I feel like it would make for a great dream.
Wouldn't it be incredible if everyone got paid for happiness? If you wanted, you could call it your career or your day job. And the level of pure happiness determines the amount of money you get. Or, at least, that could be how it is implemented. Eventually money becomes obsolete and we all just get along.
Won't anyone think of the children?!?!

Anyway. Life is good. I'm between two houses right now. Moving to the new places is fun and exciting with lots of new things and challenges and social code to think of with room mate and friends. I'm realizing just how socially awkward I am. But yet, how I really just need to approach all situations with love and kindness and hope for the best. Isn't that what life is about anyway?
A wise woman today told me "I just love the world!" And why shouldn't we all? And another wise man said "You should love your family like you love yourself. And you should love your friends like your family. And acquaintances as friends. Everyone you know should be bumped up a notch."
Isn't that true though?

In other news. Went to the art gallery with Lady Love and My Yogi. Saw this painting. Looks way better in person, I think. But I like it because I feel like it's the evolution of what I do on canvas. It's my art with more layers and mediums! Quite interesting. I picked up a couple techniques.

Also had a fun experience at a water park today which was new for me. And will be going to my first church service in 7 years tomorrow. Convinced by my good friend, The Pastor, to attend. Good thing I'll have company. Not so sure how I would do that all on my own. Loads of hangups with that one. But gotta keep those spiritual doors open! Just loving the world like I was inspired to.

Lowly also made me up last night. Took away most of the hippie in me and replaced it with clean respectable girl. It was a little odd to be so normal. I'm glad she knows me so well to not make me completely uncomfortable. I was still able to laugh at myself quite a bit. It was enjoyable.

Anyway! Happy times. Kumbaya. Yada yada yada.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

This Is The Life

Oh dear. I have been doing just too much lately and hearing so many kind words spread throughout my life that it's all too much to be putting down while it happens.

I'll start it all off with a quote/theme of my "guru's". My teacher/boss at the studio is this wonderful person as I've mentioned before and she gave this class today that I so enjoyed. It was refreshing because most of the time when I am enjoying a class it's because it has these amazing poses that open me up and strengthen me in ways I wasn't expecting. This class however, was about the earth under the rocks. And, well, the rocks themselves. (Of life that is. Because I of all people would never use a metaphor) Sometimes we allow these huge stresses to bear down on us and weight our life. It happens. No one can stop it and there's really no point. The best we can do is deal with it with elegance, grace and kindness.
But what we often don't see is the life under these weights atop us. When you pick up a rock in the forest, you will most likely find a whole suburban system of life and living creatures. It's a network of growth and fertility. The earth is moist and mLinkellow, perfect for living comfortably in and being steady but there is things like moss and bugs and worms all living and passing time above and within it.
What I feel we need to see is the potential these stresses give us. We are given these laden drops in the ebb and flows and we can choose to see the ability it gives us to re ground and re group or we can wallow in it and become stagnant and drained.
As a kid, I loved picking up rocks and seeing all that was below it. It is the smaller version of our lives. Just as we are the smaller version of what is going on around us and outside of us. It keeps growing in both directions and the fact that we are a part of the masterpiece that is this life, is refreshing and invigorating.

NOW to give you a bit of a map of the life I've been leading.
Oh fun times.

Went to The Fringe, enjoyed the drunken business of Whyte Ave on a Saturday evening, reveled in the summer night warmth, and had a drink or two with quite the best of company.

Hung out with the Canine for a while in the front yard the other day. I love and appreciate her so much. She's probably the most amazing dog I've ever met and I'm so glad she is the way she is. Softest part of my heart belongs to her.

Been spending a lot of time with Lowly and Family. They have been quite good to me and I love them all dearly. Such a warm and genuine family. The only people I love to be made fun of by.

Said goodbye to a friend with boardgames, drinks and home made delicious cookies. I so appreciate the people in my life. They are so full of life... and penis jokes.

And watched the sun set last night before spending some quality time with My Yogi. Days like these you would love to be stuck in and yet want to continue forever.

I've been really keeping up on yoga as of lately and just went for a workout today for the first time in a while! I so enjoy feeling good like this. I think I may just be preparing myself for a seasonal change but I really do love the place I'm in right now. As stressful as things get and as many sucker punches to the balls I seem to be getting as of lately, I do enjoy this light that seems to be begging to be let out in its entirety. And it will be.

You'll see.